So no more Dr. appointment tomorrow, now i get to have an MRI on April 2nd, and then a week after that get to finally get my answers.
This sucks as i want my answers NOW
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Another day, Another appointment
So we had another Dr. appointment today. This one John had to provide a "sample" for testing and i got to have liquid inserted into my uterus and an internal ultrasound. Let me tell you NOT FUN!! So to make it even more awkward i got to have a student watching as the Dr did his thing down there. I just can't say no when they ask if its OK if a student watches but i didn't realize that this male student would be staring at an area that only my husband should be seeing. Well i did what had to be done and spread them nice and wide for all the world to see. Oh and has anyone ever wondered that when they tell you to undress from the waist down they give you a wash cloth size towel to "cover" yourself. Well whats the point when everyone will be looking down there anyways and by no means was this towel enough to hide everything from those walking by the door when the Dr enters and exits. Ridiculous!!
Anyways so they found that I indeed only have 1 working tube and that my uterus was never fully developed. My uterus not developing fully is probably why there is only 1 tube and this also makes my uterus smaller. The Dr. said this will increase my chances for having a preterm labor and/or having to have a c-section as often the baby will flip and not have enough room to flip back before the birth. This was not what i want to hear as i have really wanted a more natural birth. Not natural all the way of course as I want the drugs. Now I'm fearful of not being able to get pregnant and if i do what this means for the actual birth. Great just bring on the fears.
John and i have another appointment to create our "plan" next Wednesday. As of right now we are thinking we will give it 3 months to see if i ovulate on the correct side and if i do in those 3 months do an IUI (insemination) and after that we will move full steam ahead with IVF. Granted these thoughts could change any minute as we are constantly changing our mind about what we want to do.
I just keep wishing this would all end so i can be a normal girl again, but then i have to force myself to remember that this is my new normal, and that once pregnant that will be my new normal and so on as life is constantly changing and i must adjust and change with it.
Also want to throw out congratulations to Leatrice as she embarks on her new normal pregnant and mother of 1. Yay Leatrice!!
Anyways so they found that I indeed only have 1 working tube and that my uterus was never fully developed. My uterus not developing fully is probably why there is only 1 tube and this also makes my uterus smaller. The Dr. said this will increase my chances for having a preterm labor and/or having to have a c-section as often the baby will flip and not have enough room to flip back before the birth. This was not what i want to hear as i have really wanted a more natural birth. Not natural all the way of course as I want the drugs. Now I'm fearful of not being able to get pregnant and if i do what this means for the actual birth. Great just bring on the fears.
John and i have another appointment to create our "plan" next Wednesday. As of right now we are thinking we will give it 3 months to see if i ovulate on the correct side and if i do in those 3 months do an IUI (insemination) and after that we will move full steam ahead with IVF. Granted these thoughts could change any minute as we are constantly changing our mind about what we want to do.
I just keep wishing this would all end so i can be a normal girl again, but then i have to force myself to remember that this is my new normal, and that once pregnant that will be my new normal and so on as life is constantly changing and i must adjust and change with it.
Also want to throw out congratulations to Leatrice as she embarks on her new normal pregnant and mother of 1. Yay Leatrice!!
I'll trade my roller-coaster for a ride on the its a small world ride any day.
Growning up, I was afraid of roller coasters. I mean you are going so fast, you feel like your going to fall out as you fly through the dips. You fell like your going to be sick as you get crushed into your seat on the loop de loops. As I got older, I loved that rush. It part it came from knowing that I was more safe then walking, but in part it was getting to see life in fast forward. You always dream of going so fast that everything around you seems to slow to a halt. You can look across the cart to see your best friend and smile as you both see the people below looking so tiny and stationary. They don't know what they are missing
Over the past three months we have encountered more roller coasters then all the rollercoasters at six flags combined. I'll admit, at this point, I'll take a ride on the its a small world or peter pan any day. From the downs of the news that IVF was our best option, to the ups to finding a cheap IVF, to the lows of our doctor passing away, to various other things that have come our way. With each up, soon follows a down. With each down, well all you can do it go up. I can tell you from experience, that roller coasters are not as fun when its a ride your forced into instead of choosing. Part of me wishes for the safety of the ground, or at least the calm pace and happy cheer of a ride like "its a small world"
Despite all that has happened, we reach a point again, that we are ready and able to move forward. But whenever we get to that place, its not a relief, at least not completely. Don't get me wrong, I love that we are moving forward. But with the progress comes a load of pressure. Think of the "normal" pressures of being pregnant, and then with our situation, you can multiply that by 100 fold.
Although its true that children are priceless, the sad part of our life, is that well, there is a price tag. And its worth it, totally, but just because its worth it, doesn't mean we'll be able to afford that price tag over and over again. Lets just say 15 grand. That 15 grand makes even more pressure on a situation that is already extremely stressful. Because the only thing worse then spending the money you have saved worked so hard for to provide post pregnancy, is to spend that and then have it not work out and have to spend that again. Honestly, its not even the money that is the hard part, its the waiting to build up enough money, that makes us feel like we are again going backwards in our process.
Don't get me wrong, I am confident ... or optimistic that we will get pregnant on the first time. But with the roller coaster we have went then, I'm always bracing for that next loop de loop.
Sincerely,
It's a small worlds #1 fan
Over the past three months we have encountered more roller coasters then all the rollercoasters at six flags combined. I'll admit, at this point, I'll take a ride on the its a small world or peter pan any day. From the downs of the news that IVF was our best option, to the ups to finding a cheap IVF, to the lows of our doctor passing away, to various other things that have come our way. With each up, soon follows a down. With each down, well all you can do it go up. I can tell you from experience, that roller coasters are not as fun when its a ride your forced into instead of choosing. Part of me wishes for the safety of the ground, or at least the calm pace and happy cheer of a ride like "its a small world"
Despite all that has happened, we reach a point again, that we are ready and able to move forward. But whenever we get to that place, its not a relief, at least not completely. Don't get me wrong, I love that we are moving forward. But with the progress comes a load of pressure. Think of the "normal" pressures of being pregnant, and then with our situation, you can multiply that by 100 fold.
Although its true that children are priceless, the sad part of our life, is that well, there is a price tag. And its worth it, totally, but just because its worth it, doesn't mean we'll be able to afford that price tag over and over again. Lets just say 15 grand. That 15 grand makes even more pressure on a situation that is already extremely stressful. Because the only thing worse then spending the money you have saved worked so hard for to provide post pregnancy, is to spend that and then have it not work out and have to spend that again. Honestly, its not even the money that is the hard part, its the waiting to build up enough money, that makes us feel like we are again going backwards in our process.
Don't get me wrong, I am confident ... or optimistic that we will get pregnant on the first time. But with the roller coaster we have went then, I'm always bracing for that next loop de loop.
Sincerely,
It's a small worlds #1 fan
Monday, March 15, 2010
A New Dr. and Even More Choices
So John and I went to another Dr. to try to start this process again. This Dr. was very nice and professional and better yet we could understand everything he said. I feel though that anytime i mention the cost and how we don't want to spend more than we have to, every Dr immediately gets defensive and trys to "sell" us on a cheaper option. I feel like they never really take it seriously that i know what i want to do. So this new Dr. doesn't like the pictures of the HSG test we had done originally that determined that i have only 1 functioning tube. So we are going to do another test that will do an ultrasound of the area instead of x-rays. I say great, lets do what we have to do to get things going. But then he keeps trying to tell us to do an IUI, which to me is throwing money down the drain if we don't have the egg come out of the correct side (assuming the first test was right and i only have 1 working tube). I felt so gained up on as this Dr and his student were telling us IUI was the way to go and then John liked the idea of only spending $3000 vs the $15000, so he was for the idea too. I also like the idea of spending less but what if the IUI's don't work and we have to spend the $15 K after that, and if that one doesn't work its $3 K for each additional IVF. I would rather know this is going to work, but i will hold all decisions until after the results from this new test come back. I just want to be done making decisions for this.
The Dr. also told us that we could keep trying on our own as I am so "young" that I don't really need to rush it. So then he goes on to say that our chances every month would be 1 - 2%. Yeah I don't think those chances work for me Doc. I now feel guilty for having to go through this at my age. I don't think i could go to a support group as the feeling i get is that i should just suck it up as i have many more years to reproduce if i so choose.
This is all very frustrating and very exhausting to figure out all of this. I feel that at least once a week I have an emotional breakdown and just can't take anymore. Luckily I have John and Renee to pick me back up and help me go another week.
The Dr. also told us that we could keep trying on our own as I am so "young" that I don't really need to rush it. So then he goes on to say that our chances every month would be 1 - 2%. Yeah I don't think those chances work for me Doc. I now feel guilty for having to go through this at my age. I don't think i could go to a support group as the feeling i get is that i should just suck it up as i have many more years to reproduce if i so choose.
This is all very frustrating and very exhausting to figure out all of this. I feel that at least once a week I have an emotional breakdown and just can't take anymore. Luckily I have John and Renee to pick me back up and help me go another week.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What is God trying to say?
A post from John as I just couldn't put all that I felt into words....John has a way with words that i wish i had to express what i feel. Thanks John for being able to put everything I think into words for everyone to understand.
Throughout my life, I have tried to understand which of the things around me are signs from god of something greater, and what is just co-incidence. Its easy to read into things and make them what you want. Take your fortune cookies ... when it says "you will have success at work" it could mean that you'll get that project done, or that you'll get a huge raise, or that you'll meet a beautiful girl that you will end up marring.
With that said, I do believe in some level of fate, or at least that God gives us pushes at times that we may need. Look at my wife and I and how we met. We met while working at Target. After looking back however, I couldn't help but laugh at how hard we were being pushed together all of our lives, and that it took us that long to finally see it. We had worked together for almost 5 years, but never talked. Before that, we went to the same high school, but barely knew of each other. We even danced together in gym class, she doesn't remember. We were on spring break at the same time and at the same place. We were at the same church. Our lives were so entangled that its a wonder how we managed to keep apart as long as we did.
That believe, that some times we get a push, makes our current situation that much harder. Alright, you already know the situation about the IVF. We recently found an excellent option for IVF at a local facility that specialized in the procedure. To top that off, they had pricing available specially for the down economy, so that price tag of many hospitals of 15 thousand became thousands less. It was like that ray of sun the breaks through the clouds to warm your cheek as you sit on the deck. The option returned hope, and with that hope came excitement, and with that excitement came the realization that it was in our power to have a child. There is nothing so powerful to have an option restored that you had thought you lost.
We went into a consultation, we got a plan, we laid out our next 2 years of our life and began something we hadn't dared do for the last 12 months. Planning on our lives with a little baby. It was going to happen, everything was going to work out.
Five days after our consultation, after we got that plan, and gained all of our dreams back, tragedy struck. We were in the process of getting appointments scheduled to begin tests when we heard news that our doctor had passed away on the previous Saturday. He had died less then 24 hours after we met with him. Sadly, with him, our world came shattering to pieces as well.
All those "hard" decisions of which room to make the baby's room became quiet tears for how close we were. Our doctor was, to our knowledge, an amazing man. But with that said, he had no successor, or plan for if this happened. The result is that we were back to square zero, with now less options, and the options we had, all closer to the 15 thousand range.
It was at that point, as i lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling, that I tried to understand ... is this a sign. How many times do we have to get sent back to the start before it becomes obvious that maybe, its not just bad luck. Its dangerous to read into things, but I can't help but wonder ... What was God trying to say?
Throughout my life, I have tried to understand which of the things around me are signs from god of something greater, and what is just co-incidence. Its easy to read into things and make them what you want. Take your fortune cookies ... when it says "you will have success at work" it could mean that you'll get that project done, or that you'll get a huge raise, or that you'll meet a beautiful girl that you will end up marring.
With that said, I do believe in some level of fate, or at least that God gives us pushes at times that we may need. Look at my wife and I and how we met. We met while working at Target. After looking back however, I couldn't help but laugh at how hard we were being pushed together all of our lives, and that it took us that long to finally see it. We had worked together for almost 5 years, but never talked. Before that, we went to the same high school, but barely knew of each other. We even danced together in gym class, she doesn't remember. We were on spring break at the same time and at the same place. We were at the same church. Our lives were so entangled that its a wonder how we managed to keep apart as long as we did.
That believe, that some times we get a push, makes our current situation that much harder. Alright, you already know the situation about the IVF. We recently found an excellent option for IVF at a local facility that specialized in the procedure. To top that off, they had pricing available specially for the down economy, so that price tag of many hospitals of 15 thousand became thousands less. It was like that ray of sun the breaks through the clouds to warm your cheek as you sit on the deck. The option returned hope, and with that hope came excitement, and with that excitement came the realization that it was in our power to have a child. There is nothing so powerful to have an option restored that you had thought you lost.
We went into a consultation, we got a plan, we laid out our next 2 years of our life and began something we hadn't dared do for the last 12 months. Planning on our lives with a little baby. It was going to happen, everything was going to work out.
Five days after our consultation, after we got that plan, and gained all of our dreams back, tragedy struck. We were in the process of getting appointments scheduled to begin tests when we heard news that our doctor had passed away on the previous Saturday. He had died less then 24 hours after we met with him. Sadly, with him, our world came shattering to pieces as well.
All those "hard" decisions of which room to make the baby's room became quiet tears for how close we were. Our doctor was, to our knowledge, an amazing man. But with that said, he had no successor, or plan for if this happened. The result is that we were back to square zero, with now less options, and the options we had, all closer to the 15 thousand range.
It was at that point, as i lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling, that I tried to understand ... is this a sign. How many times do we have to get sent back to the start before it becomes obvious that maybe, its not just bad luck. Its dangerous to read into things, but I can't help but wonder ... What was God trying to say?
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