Saturday, August 14, 2010
Knitting
When we first started going through all this infertility stuff i got it in my head that i needed to do something for our future child that we keep my mind occupied while working on it. I decided to knit a blanket for our child. This was a crazy task as i had only knitted once before and that project came out looking like a mess. So i decided to take this project on with the help of youtube teaching me how to knit. Well i'm happy to report that my infertilty blanket is now finished 2 days after starting the shots (seems like perfect timeing to finish it to me). While this blanket is in no way perfect or even like something you could buy from a craft fair, but this blanket is my gift to my unborn child showing them that they were wanted bad enough that i had enough time to knit them something. Maybe i will even do a pregnancy knit blanket for them who knows.
Christmas Morning
Who would ever be this happy to open a box of needles?
Its funny to think of things that get us excited these days and what were we looking forward to the post, seeing all the needles. Its especially strange for me to say as needles are not something that I enjoy at all, so to get a box of them isn't my usual idea of what i want for Christmas. But thats just what it feels like, Christmas time, and the full excitement levels that go with it. We knew we would be getting them soon, but when they came at 9 am in the morning, I couldn't possibly wait until after work at 5 to open the amazing gift and see what was inside. Its mean as Kristy wouldn't be able to see, but she finally let me take it all home at lunch as long as i sent pictures so she could feel like she was there with me opening it all up.
Now at this point, we already had our training, so I had some idea of what to expect, but I admit it was still totally like looking at your stocking Christmas morning. Your excited, even if you know that its all going to be good, or if you know you will get candy or gift cards. And your still curious to see, how much did i get, what do they look like, where will i put them all. Its the same way with the drugs. Opening that box, and seeing cartons of clear liquid, packages of needles in all shapes and sizes, alcohol swabs galore and a cute red bio-hazard sharps container to round it all out. I tried to take pictures of it all, to really make Kristy feel a part of the whole opening up process. Some of the drugs had to be refrigerated so there was another cooler inside of the box that we had to open, and take out more boxes of clear liquid viles.
I almost feel like a doctor, or at least a pharmacy as we have boxes and boxes of different shapes and sizes of drugs and needles. And the hard part is that now that we had them, we had to wait 2 days to get started. Its okay though, as each step now is real progress. No longer do we feel like, a little progress forward, just to slide right back. I finally feel like I can turn over my shoulder and say, wow, look at how far we have come. I see where we started, and were gliding away, faster and faster. That made the next two days easier, to know, we are moving, we have begun this journey and its now our time.
Now with the two days passing, the reality sets in that those same needles that caused the excitement, you have to stick into yourself. Almost cruel, to make us give ourselves the shots, but its also one of the kindest things we have been asked to endure. How can we complain about a pin prick or two when we are getting this gift, the opportunity to do what was impossible 40 years ago. So as we preped for our first shot, we wanted to document it, to get it all down for us to remember forever. Taking pictures of it can only show so much, but its not as bad, or at least Kristy says, as expected. And the look in her eyes as she finished that first shot I would happily pay any price for. It was the look knowing, we're doing it, our future is becoming a reality.
Day two wasn't bad either, as if you can do day one, how hard is day two? One thing we did learn was that keeping the needles in the fridge has a nice effect of numbing the entry point a bit. Its also going to be something that gets more and more challenging as one shot becomes three shots a day, because your supposed to never give a shot in the same place. Luckily that is a few days away, and itself only lasts a week or so. I guess if we can get through the last two years, a few weeks of shots is the easiest part of those two years.
So as we continue down this exciting process, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're finally moving and every day, we get closer and closer. We are ready for the ride that has been our lives to take off, we are ready for the future. We are ready for life.
Its funny to think of things that get us excited these days and what were we looking forward to the post, seeing all the needles. Its especially strange for me to say as needles are not something that I enjoy at all, so to get a box of them isn't my usual idea of what i want for Christmas. But thats just what it feels like, Christmas time, and the full excitement levels that go with it. We knew we would be getting them soon, but when they came at 9 am in the morning, I couldn't possibly wait until after work at 5 to open the amazing gift and see what was inside. Its mean as Kristy wouldn't be able to see, but she finally let me take it all home at lunch as long as i sent pictures so she could feel like she was there with me opening it all up.
Now at this point, we already had our training, so I had some idea of what to expect, but I admit it was still totally like looking at your stocking Christmas morning. Your excited, even if you know that its all going to be good, or if you know you will get candy or gift cards. And your still curious to see, how much did i get, what do they look like, where will i put them all. Its the same way with the drugs. Opening that box, and seeing cartons of clear liquid, packages of needles in all shapes and sizes, alcohol swabs galore and a cute red bio-hazard sharps container to round it all out. I tried to take pictures of it all, to really make Kristy feel a part of the whole opening up process. Some of the drugs had to be refrigerated so there was another cooler inside of the box that we had to open, and take out more boxes of clear liquid viles.
I almost feel like a doctor, or at least a pharmacy as we have boxes and boxes of different shapes and sizes of drugs and needles. And the hard part is that now that we had them, we had to wait 2 days to get started. Its okay though, as each step now is real progress. No longer do we feel like, a little progress forward, just to slide right back. I finally feel like I can turn over my shoulder and say, wow, look at how far we have come. I see where we started, and were gliding away, faster and faster. That made the next two days easier, to know, we are moving, we have begun this journey and its now our time.
Now with the two days passing, the reality sets in that those same needles that caused the excitement, you have to stick into yourself. Almost cruel, to make us give ourselves the shots, but its also one of the kindest things we have been asked to endure. How can we complain about a pin prick or two when we are getting this gift, the opportunity to do what was impossible 40 years ago. So as we preped for our first shot, we wanted to document it, to get it all down for us to remember forever. Taking pictures of it can only show so much, but its not as bad, or at least Kristy says, as expected. And the look in her eyes as she finished that first shot I would happily pay any price for. It was the look knowing, we're doing it, our future is becoming a reality.
Day two wasn't bad either, as if you can do day one, how hard is day two? One thing we did learn was that keeping the needles in the fridge has a nice effect of numbing the entry point a bit. Its also going to be something that gets more and more challenging as one shot becomes three shots a day, because your supposed to never give a shot in the same place. Luckily that is a few days away, and itself only lasts a week or so. I guess if we can get through the last two years, a few weeks of shots is the easiest part of those two years.
So as we continue down this exciting process, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're finally moving and every day, we get closer and closer. We are ready for the ride that has been our lives to take off, we are ready for the future. We are ready for life.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Needles are my friend!!
Yesterday John, Renee and I went to learn all about the injections that i would have to be doing. We brought Renee along just in case John isn't around or doesn't feel comfortable giving me the shots.
It was such a neat experience, i totally felt like a dr and i'm so excited to get us started. There will be a total of 5 medications that i will have to take. We got to practice getting the right amount of medication and what it felt like to release the medication (thank goodness we weren't practicing on me)
1. Lupron- this one has a little needle and i just have to insert the needle into the vile and draw the correct amount then just inject it myself into my stomach area. This is the first medication we start off with and i get to start it next thursday. YAY
2. Follistim - this medication's needle is so weird it is in a pen like system (maybe like an epipen) we insert the vile into the pen then screw in the top and just click the dial at the bottom to get the correct amount then inject it also into the stomach
3 Menopur - This is another shot that will require me to measure out the correct amount. This requires much more thought though as you have to draw up the correct amount of water from its own vile then inject it into another vile that contains powder and mix it up. Then draw up all that fluid, making sure not to leave any drops left in the vile then injecting it into the stomach.
4 Novarel - this is a 1 time shot that has to be done exactly 34 hours before the extraction of the eggs. This one is another one that needs to be mixed then given in the stomach. John got to practice this one as if it is in the middle of the night i know i won't be able to mix it correctly.
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The last drug is the Progesterone shot that i will receive in the behind starting after the egg is implanted and if we are successful this shot will last for 8 weeks till the child is considered 10 weeks old. This the shot that John or Renee would have to do. It comes in a large vile then to draw up the correct amount you use a long thick needle (this needle totally freaked me out). Then you switch needles after you have the correct amount to a thin but still long needle to do the injection.
YAY for being a pin cushion. I'm so excited as this means this is really happening and we are on our way.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Preparing for takeoff
This long journey that we are on feels like a trip to the airport. We began this process with arriving like so many others that arrive to this stage with the hopes and dreams of what is possible. We have had our fair share of lines to go though, but we felt like we were moving. Its only looking back that you question if you were moving the wrong way on one of those moving walkways. Like you can look back at yourself, smile and say "Poor you, no matter how quickly you jog on that thing, your still not going forward."
Its only looking back now that I can marvel about the entire journey. We had the moments of the medal detector feeling with the medical appointments that seemed to take forever and always required us to undo our belts. We had moments of the more invasive searches after you set of the detector with some of the tests we had to go though that required a lot of discomfort and stress. But in the end, after going through each step in the process, we were then at the terminal, waiting to take off. Each step in the process felt like forward progress at this point, but its still a stop and go thing. Just like after you get to the terminal, you speed up for a second to get in line to board. Then you slow down and wait. Then you get on board, then you wait. I think you get the picture.
We are finally done waiting. We have begun our taxi out to the takeoff. Right now its more then just the comfort of feeling like moving, but the excitement of the takeoff that is weighing on us. We have waited so long, and watched so many of our friends and family take off and its exciting to feel like it is our turn. The journey is just beginning and we don't know if there will be turbulence along the way, or where we will end up landing and when, but its time to grab each others hand and embrace what is ahead.
We have begun working on preparing, just enough to feel like we are getting things done and keep the excitement up, without so much as to feel like we are jinxing ourselves. We are finally thinking about the joys of planning the layout of a baby's room or deciding how drastically the home improvement projects priority change when your top goal is to provide a safe environment instead of personal comforts. The entertainment center in the basements suddenly isnt as high as a priority as insulating the garage so the cars don't get so cold in the winter or hot in the summer.
I have had my internal struggles through this process, having times that i was just upset with life, the "it's not fair" that your parents always replied "life never is" to. But with the world moving forward again, I feel like all the struggles and pain and stress is worth it. Seeing that glimmer in my wife's eye as she grabs onto my hand, i know: "Although this life might not always be fair, as long as you don't give up, we will make it through this thing together." We are more then going to make it through, we are going to make our wildest dreams become a reality.
So please if your reading this, wish us luck and keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We'll in turn do our best to keep everyone up to date as to our exciting journey. You've been with us through the struggles and hardships, hopefully we'll be able to share all the joy's with you as well. We love you all.
John and Kristy
Its only looking back now that I can marvel about the entire journey. We had the moments of the medal detector feeling with the medical appointments that seemed to take forever and always required us to undo our belts. We had moments of the more invasive searches after you set of the detector with some of the tests we had to go though that required a lot of discomfort and stress. But in the end, after going through each step in the process, we were then at the terminal, waiting to take off. Each step in the process felt like forward progress at this point, but its still a stop and go thing. Just like after you get to the terminal, you speed up for a second to get in line to board. Then you slow down and wait. Then you get on board, then you wait. I think you get the picture.
We are finally done waiting. We have begun our taxi out to the takeoff. Right now its more then just the comfort of feeling like moving, but the excitement of the takeoff that is weighing on us. We have waited so long, and watched so many of our friends and family take off and its exciting to feel like it is our turn. The journey is just beginning and we don't know if there will be turbulence along the way, or where we will end up landing and when, but its time to grab each others hand and embrace what is ahead.
We have begun working on preparing, just enough to feel like we are getting things done and keep the excitement up, without so much as to feel like we are jinxing ourselves. We are finally thinking about the joys of planning the layout of a baby's room or deciding how drastically the home improvement projects priority change when your top goal is to provide a safe environment instead of personal comforts. The entertainment center in the basements suddenly isnt as high as a priority as insulating the garage so the cars don't get so cold in the winter or hot in the summer.
I have had my internal struggles through this process, having times that i was just upset with life, the "it's not fair" that your parents always replied "life never is" to. But with the world moving forward again, I feel like all the struggles and pain and stress is worth it. Seeing that glimmer in my wife's eye as she grabs onto my hand, i know: "Although this life might not always be fair, as long as you don't give up, we will make it through this thing together." We are more then going to make it through, we are going to make our wildest dreams become a reality.
So please if your reading this, wish us luck and keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We'll in turn do our best to keep everyone up to date as to our exciting journey. You've been with us through the struggles and hardships, hopefully we'll be able to share all the joy's with you as well. We love you all.
John and Kristy
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Ball is Rolling
So things are starting to really happen. We decided about a week ago that we really are ready to have our dreams become reality and to move forward with the IVF process so that it can all happen. Once we made this very important and final decision we called the Dr and were told what steps we needed to take.
Step 1. watch a stupid video online that shows us how IVF works. We even got to watch the little swimmers being suctioned into a tube and put into an egg.
Step 2. Go get stupid blood tests done to ensure we don't have any STD's. I would think that if i had any STD's i would have known that by now.
Step 3. Pick up birth control prescription (I know not the prescription you would think to take when trying for a child)and a standard antibiotic for John and I to take.
step 4. Make and go to appointment to learn about the shots (this is happening next week! yay and boo all at the same time)
Then at that appointment we also learn what other drugs we have to take and everything else that we need to know. Its a 2 cycle process so hopefully in 2 months are goal will be met.
I'm so excited but yet at the same time its so scary, its so much money and if it doesn't work we don't have a back up plan. We will be out of funds so there is no chance at this time for another cycle of IVF or adoption. I'm just praying that this is where we are meant to be and this is what will make our dream of having a family into reality.
I just can't believe that finally after 2 years we are really here going this route. I never would have thought this was needed. 2 years ago we were on our 1st anniversary trip to Disney and i remember standing outside the castle talking about how we were going to start trying in a couple of months and we were talking about how fun this whole process would be, well we were wrong this process has been an emotional roller coaster and was only fun for the first few months. Then our lives turned into timing my cycles and then it turned into buying a ovulation monitor and peeing on sticks every day. Then it turned into trying to find a dr then finding 2 more after that. Then it was hurry up and wait, and wait for test results, and then wait for more tests. Now it is here and hopefully the disappointment that we experienced every month is behind up and we only get the anticipation of meeting our little one.
Lord give me the strength to finish this journey and give me the dream i have longed for.
Step 1. watch a stupid video online that shows us how IVF works. We even got to watch the little swimmers being suctioned into a tube and put into an egg.
Step 2. Go get stupid blood tests done to ensure we don't have any STD's. I would think that if i had any STD's i would have known that by now.
Step 3. Pick up birth control prescription (I know not the prescription you would think to take when trying for a child)and a standard antibiotic for John and I to take.
step 4. Make and go to appointment to learn about the shots (this is happening next week! yay and boo all at the same time)
Then at that appointment we also learn what other drugs we have to take and everything else that we need to know. Its a 2 cycle process so hopefully in 2 months are goal will be met.
I'm so excited but yet at the same time its so scary, its so much money and if it doesn't work we don't have a back up plan. We will be out of funds so there is no chance at this time for another cycle of IVF or adoption. I'm just praying that this is where we are meant to be and this is what will make our dream of having a family into reality.
I just can't believe that finally after 2 years we are really here going this route. I never would have thought this was needed. 2 years ago we were on our 1st anniversary trip to Disney and i remember standing outside the castle talking about how we were going to start trying in a couple of months and we were talking about how fun this whole process would be, well we were wrong this process has been an emotional roller coaster and was only fun for the first few months. Then our lives turned into timing my cycles and then it turned into buying a ovulation monitor and peeing on sticks every day. Then it turned into trying to find a dr then finding 2 more after that. Then it was hurry up and wait, and wait for test results, and then wait for more tests. Now it is here and hopefully the disappointment that we experienced every month is behind up and we only get the anticipation of meeting our little one.
Lord give me the strength to finish this journey and give me the dream i have longed for.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Strike 3
So we just hit 3 months of ovulating on the wrong side. And you know what happens when you strike out 3 times, your out! So now we are onto bigger and better things. Or so we think. Its time to really analyze if we can afford to go forward with the IVF route. With everything seeming to break in our house and there are some of these things we aren't willing to put on hold for very long.
Our Car needs to be repaired (heat and AC not working)
dryer works now but seems to go in and out so lets hope it holds.
Our upstairs windows need to be replaced as the storm windows are not holding, so this needs to be done before winter.
Ugh there goes any real decorating i wanted to do for my house and the basement on hold indefinately.
So this weekend John and I have probably flip flopped more times than we can count and i am stressed about this decision beyond belief. I don't think i can emotionally wait for finances to be better but due to many medical bills and the misc. costs that have come up we are not in the best place to move forward either.
Oh I wish I knew what the right answer was.
Our Car needs to be repaired (heat and AC not working)
dryer works now but seems to go in and out so lets hope it holds.
Our upstairs windows need to be replaced as the storm windows are not holding, so this needs to be done before winter.
Ugh there goes any real decorating i wanted to do for my house and the basement on hold indefinately.
So this weekend John and I have probably flip flopped more times than we can count and i am stressed about this decision beyond belief. I don't think i can emotionally wait for finances to be better but due to many medical bills and the misc. costs that have come up we are not in the best place to move forward either.
Oh I wish I knew what the right answer was.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
wrong again!
So this month i'm ovulating on the wrong side again. I really don't know how much longer i can keep up a positive attitude. I know we are moving forward because we get to know each month if we even have a chance. But i feel like nothing ever happens right for us. I'm sick of it!
1 more month of trying to even do an IUI then its on to IVF
ugh i hate my life
Man i love these lyrics that i heard on Glee as they explain how i'm feeling
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
1 more month of trying to even do an IUI then its on to IVF
ugh i hate my life
Man i love these lyrics that i heard on Glee as they explain how i'm feeling
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
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