This isn't easy

No one told me going through this IVF process would be easy but nobody told me how hard it would be either. I thought by the time we got to this stage this would be super easy as we had already been through the ups and downs of the testing and trying on our own and multiple attempts at IUIs. The emotional roller coaster was done right? Boy was I wrong! I'm on a whole new roller coaster, one where both my emotions are effected as well as me physically being effected.

I had no idea that these shots would become such a normal thing for me but at the same time causing me pain that has also become normal. While the needles are tiny and the shots are fast the fact that i now have so many pricks in the same area has made me bruise quite a bit and my whole stomach is super tender. The other night was the worst though i had a bad needle that refused to puncture the skin so while i tried 3 or 4 times i finally realized i had to use a new needle but by that point i wasn't sure i could take any more pain. I of course did the shot anyways as i knew it was what i needed to do. But it is hard for a person who is already in pain to inflict more pain on themselves and it took a ton of my emotional strength to do so.

I am also feeling so incredibly tired all the time and i feel so physically weak. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy or to exercise (which i don't truly mind) I just am not feeling like myself with these restrictions. My stomach area feels in knots all the time and sometimes it feels like someone is pulling those knots tighter. I go between feeling super hungry to super full in a matter of seconds. I keep telling John that the best way i can describe how my body is feeling is full, i can't eat as much as I'm already full. With this full feeling comes the feeling of fattiness and being incredibly bloated (so not fun and i hate my clothes right now)

All these physical things make me emotionally a mess. I have no control on my emotions at all right now i feel like yelling and crying to laughing hysterically. I think my major thing is my body feels like its not normal so the rest of me feels that way too.

I hate the way i feel physically and emotionally but I know that this is worth it. I must just keep reminding myself of the end goal, which can be hard at times but i can do it. I just wish someone had told me what i was in for. oh well i guess for the time being this is my new normal!