Tomorrows the day

Tomorrow is the big day before the bigger day. Its egg retrieval day!!! YAY!! we go in at 9:00 tomorrow morning and by 12 we should know how many eggs they were able to milk from my body. Here is hoping for a lot!!

This isn't easy

No one told me going through this IVF process would be easy but nobody told me how hard it would be either. I thought by the time we got to this stage this would be super easy as we had already been through the ups and downs of the testing and trying on our own and multiple attempts at IUIs. The emotional roller coaster was done right? Boy was I wrong! I'm on a whole new roller coaster, one where both my emotions are effected as well as me physically being effected.

I had no idea that these shots would become such a normal thing for me but at the same time causing me pain that has also become normal. While the needles are tiny and the shots are fast the fact that i now have so many pricks in the same area has made me bruise quite a bit and my whole stomach is super tender. The other night was the worst though i had a bad needle that refused to puncture the skin so while i tried 3 or 4 times i finally realized i had to use a new needle but by that point i wasn't sure i could take any more pain. I of course did the shot anyways as i knew it was what i needed to do. But it is hard for a person who is already in pain to inflict more pain on themselves and it took a ton of my emotional strength to do so.

I am also feeling so incredibly tired all the time and i feel so physically weak. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy or to exercise (which i don't truly mind) I just am not feeling like myself with these restrictions. My stomach area feels in knots all the time and sometimes it feels like someone is pulling those knots tighter. I go between feeling super hungry to super full in a matter of seconds. I keep telling John that the best way i can describe how my body is feeling is full, i can't eat as much as I'm already full. With this full feeling comes the feeling of fattiness and being incredibly bloated (so not fun and i hate my clothes right now)

All these physical things make me emotionally a mess. I have no control on my emotions at all right now i feel like yelling and crying to laughing hysterically. I think my major thing is my body feels like its not normal so the rest of me feels that way too.

I hate the way i feel physically and emotionally but I know that this is worth it. I must just keep reminding myself of the end goal, which can be hard at times but i can do it. I just wish someone had told me what i was in for. oh well i guess for the time being this is my new normal!

Its working!!

Yay, My ovaries are filling up! I have 15 on one side and 12 on the other.

The drugs are working this is wonderful!!

Only downside is i'm feeling more and more bloated which is making me look pregnant too early :(

The power of god's wink

As we continue our process we can't help but feel god's presence in so much we do. Its still amazing to me that with everything against us, we can still have the opportunity to have a child, that truly is a gift. We had our baseline ultrasound and it couldn't have went better. We had to go in on a Saturday, and surprisingly on Saturday the hospital is as busy as any other day, which is weird as many offices are not fully open on Saturdays.

The first good thing, minor i know, was that parking was free. Now usually its just 2 bucks. Not going to break the bank by any means, but its always like a kick to the shins a bit. I mean, when you pay thousands and thousands of dollars do they really need to ding you for 2 bucks every visit just to park. So the free parking, although it was small, still got a smile if on principal alone.

The ride up to the office was different as well as we rode up with one other couple, and I knew right away they were in the same situation. The only appointments on the weekend are the ones in the IVF process, as your body doesn't wait so sometimes you need weekend appointments. So seeing the other two couples in the waiting room, although we didn't start a conversation, it was a realization without any words that we were all in this same boat. It was as if we all looked at each other and said good luck, and then glanced away so it didn't look like we were staring all creepy like.

We ended up going into the appointment almost immediately, which is good as we have had to wait for 2 years, it was about time to get some fast action. The baseline ultrasound showed great results, 7 eggs on the right and 8 eggs on the left. So right now, we are at 15 total possible embryos. Its still early to tell how many, but i can just see fifteen little ones running around our house ... what a mad house. The doctor actually was a little concerned that with that many already present, and the fact that I married such a young and amazing woman that she might become over stimulated. So he changed the dose from the expected 3 shots a day down to 2 shots a day. Now at first glance, that's a great thing. I mean, one less shot is one less needle you have to poke into yourself. One less medication you have to measure. But the ironic thing is that the medication he cut out, was the most expensive one.

How fair is that. We purchased a medication that was 725 alone out of our 1200 and that's the one they say to not use? Ouch. Now its not sure if its a don't use forever or just to start, but still, what a waste. At least the total cost of the meds was far less then we thought. So speaking of money, as we were leaving, we asked, so, do you want to take our money now? I mean we were always told that it was something we would have to pay the full amount before the baseline. But i guess on Saturdays everything is a little different as they didn't want our money. They just said they would have us pay the next time we came in, as that would allow them to figure out how much.

Now that by itself isn't that big. But what that means is that by the time that we pay, it will be on a different credit card bill statement. That means that we will have an additional month to pay it. The power of that is that we had a slight worry that some of our funding might not be ready, and now that hopefully is not a worry, at it gives another couple of weeks of breathing room.

So what do you do when god winks at you? I say you wink right back :)

Knitting

When we first started going through all this infertility stuff i got it in my head that i needed to do something for our future child that we keep my mind occupied while working on it. I decided to knit a blanket for our child. This was a crazy task as i had only knitted once before and that project came out looking like a mess. So i decided to take this project on with the help of youtube teaching me how to knit. Well i'm happy to report that my infertilty blanket is now finished 2 days after starting the shots (seems like perfect timeing to finish it to me). While this blanket is in no way perfect or even like something you could buy from a craft fair, but this blanket is my gift to my unborn child showing them that they were wanted bad enough that i had enough time to knit them something. Maybe i will even do a pregnancy knit blanket for them who knows.

Christmas Morning

Who would ever be this happy to open a box of needles?

Its funny to think of things that get us excited these days and what were we looking forward to the post, seeing all the needles. Its especially strange for me to say as needles are not something that I enjoy at all, so to get a box of them isn't my usual idea of what i want for Christmas. But thats just what it feels like, Christmas time, and the full excitement levels that go with it. We knew we would be getting them soon, but when they came at 9 am in the morning, I couldn't possibly wait until after work at 5 to open the amazing gift and see what was inside. Its mean as Kristy wouldn't be able to see, but she finally let me take it all home at lunch as long as i sent pictures so she could feel like she was there with me opening it all up.

Now at this point, we already had our training, so I had some idea of what to expect, but I admit it was still totally like looking at your stocking Christmas morning. Your excited, even if you know that its all going to be good, or if you know you will get candy or gift cards. And your still curious to see, how much did i get, what do they look like, where will i put them all. Its the same way with the drugs. Opening that box, and seeing cartons of clear liquid, packages of needles in all shapes and sizes, alcohol swabs galore and a cute red bio-hazard sharps container to round it all out. I tried to take pictures of it all, to really make Kristy feel a part of the whole opening up process. Some of the drugs had to be refrigerated so there was another cooler inside of the box that we had to open, and take out more boxes of clear liquid viles.

I almost feel like a doctor, or at least a pharmacy as we have boxes and boxes of different shapes and sizes of drugs and needles. And the hard part is that now that we had them, we had to wait 2 days to get started. Its okay though, as each step now is real progress. No longer do we feel like, a little progress forward, just to slide right back. I finally feel like I can turn over my shoulder and say, wow, look at how far we have come. I see where we started, and were gliding away, faster and faster. That made the next two days easier, to know, we are moving, we have begun this journey and its now our time.

Now with the two days passing, the reality sets in that those same needles that caused the excitement, you have to stick into yourself. Almost cruel, to make us give ourselves the shots, but its also one of the kindest things we have been asked to endure. How can we complain about a pin prick or two when we are getting this gift, the opportunity to do what was impossible 40 years ago. So as we preped for our first shot, we wanted to document it, to get it all down for us to remember forever. Taking pictures of it can only show so much, but its not as bad, or at least Kristy says, as expected. And the look in her eyes as she finished that first shot I would happily pay any price for. It was the look knowing, we're doing it, our future is becoming a reality.



Day two wasn't bad either, as if you can do day one, how hard is day two? One thing we did learn was that keeping the needles in the fridge has a nice effect of numbing the entry point a bit. Its also going to be something that gets more and more challenging as one shot becomes three shots a day, because your supposed to never give a shot in the same place. Luckily that is a few days away, and itself only lasts a week or so. I guess if we can get through the last two years, a few weeks of shots is the easiest part of those two years.

So as we continue down this exciting process, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We're finally moving and every day, we get closer and closer. We are ready for the ride that has been our lives to take off, we are ready for the future. We are ready for life.

Needles are my friend!!

Yesterday John, Renee and I went to learn all about the injections that i would have to be doing. We brought Renee along just in case John isn't around or doesn't feel comfortable giving me the shots.

It was such a neat experience, i totally felt like a dr and i'm so excited to get us started. There will be a total of 5 medications that i will have to take. We got to practice getting the right amount of medication and what it felt like to release the medication (thank goodness we weren't practicing on me)

1. Lupron- this one has a little needle and i just have to insert the needle into the vile and draw the correct amount then just inject it myself into my stomach area. This is the first medication we start off with and i get to start it next thursday. YAY

2. Follistim - this medication's needle is so weird it is in a pen like system (maybe like an epipen) we insert the vile into the pen then screw in the top and just click the dial at the bottom to get the correct amount then inject it also into the stomach

3 Menopur - This is another shot that will require me to measure out the correct amount. This requires much more thought though as you have to draw up the correct amount of water from its own vile then inject it into another vile that contains powder and mix it up. Then draw up all that fluid, making sure not to leave any drops left in the vile then injecting it into the stomach.

4 Novarel - this is a 1 time shot that has to be done exactly 34 hours before the extraction of the eggs. This one is another one that needs to be mixed then given in the stomach. John got to practice this one as if it is in the middle of the night i know i won't be able to mix it correctly.

The last drug is the Progesterone shot that i will receive in the behind starting after the egg is implanted and if we are successful this shot will last for 8 weeks till the child is considered 10 weeks old. This the shot that John or Renee would have to do. It comes in a large vile then to draw up the correct amount you use a long thick needle (this needle totally freaked me out). Then you switch needles after you have the correct amount to a thin but still long needle to do the injection.

YAY for being a pin cushion. I'm so excited as this means this is really happening and we are on our way.