Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
New car
Today we finally had something good happen. Today we bought a new car, a Toyota Rav4, and it's awesome. It was a perfect day to get a 4 wheel drive car as it was snowing non stop. We picked it up and where able to drive home with no slidding. This was a great Christmas present to ourselves!! It's pacific blue, base model rav that we had grey leather heated seats added. So far I love driving it and that's good as we did a lot of research on the perfect "family car" and after calling around we were able to get a great deal. Pictures of the car will be coming....
Yay new car!!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Yay new car!!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, December 18, 2009
The Power of Hope
I recently asked John about the day our future changed. He decided to write it down so that one day we could look back on this time in our lives and see how far we come. Here is what he had to say...
For as long as I can remember, I have been a glass is half full kinda person. My life is not perfect, but I would argue that it was close. I have an amazing wife, a beautiful home, a great job, and family and friends that anyone would envy. It was always easy to have hope; Hope for the future, hope for what our life would hold. Even as we had began to struggle with the process of starting a family, I still was full of hope. At times it got me in trouble, as the last thing you want to hear after another month goes by is "have faith honey ... it will happen, I know it". I learned quickly of when to keep my hope to myself, and when to share it. Even as the months dragged on, and approached a year, I still had hope. The glass might not have been half full, but at least we had a glass, and o such a pretty glass isn't it. I mean come on, statistics were on our side. At some point, it would happen, and the longer it didn't, the more likely each passing month became. Given long enough flipping a coin, it can't come up tails forever.
In the passing of less then 5 seconds, it all changed. Hope was shattered. My view on life was shattered. I was broken. Hearing those words out of our doctors mouth, that there was no hope of starting a family via "normal" methods, crushed me. Its like the rose color glasses were slapped with such force from my face that I didn't care to open my eyes. I didn't want to think about the future, as a future without hope, isn't much of a future. Its only looking back now, weeks behind me, that I can see the Power of Hope and the devastation that is caused when you lose it. As we went home, my hope gone, the darkness swept in like a thick fog. What if's begin flooding my head, and I was too weak to fight them off. What if we can't afford IVF? What if we can afford it, but then we can't afford actually having a child because of it? What if we spend thousands and it still doesn't work? What if adoption is our only option? What if we can't adopt? What if we adopted but our adopted children didn't love us? What if in those five seconds ... our entire future was transformed. The picture of my wife, with a child on her hip and they both cheered watching daddy play soccer or getting to snuggle on Saturday mornings before having mickey mouse pancakes was morphed into 1000 fears about what if's.
I couldn't keep up a strong front, and broke sobbing into my wifes arms. I can't remember the last time I cried, the last time that I have hurt. Not like cuts and bruises, but I mean a kind of pain when your soul is screaming in agony. I'm lucky ... because my wife was much stronger then me. She helped me to deal, and cope and move forward. Its not about knowing the plan right now, but instead, about taking each day one at a time. In those 5 seconds, I learned the power of hope, and the pain of losing it.
For as long as I can remember, I have been a glass is half full kinda person. My life is not perfect, but I would argue that it was close. I have an amazing wife, a beautiful home, a great job, and family and friends that anyone would envy. It was always easy to have hope; Hope for the future, hope for what our life would hold. Even as we had began to struggle with the process of starting a family, I still was full of hope. At times it got me in trouble, as the last thing you want to hear after another month goes by is "have faith honey ... it will happen, I know it". I learned quickly of when to keep my hope to myself, and when to share it. Even as the months dragged on, and approached a year, I still had hope. The glass might not have been half full, but at least we had a glass, and o such a pretty glass isn't it. I mean come on, statistics were on our side. At some point, it would happen, and the longer it didn't, the more likely each passing month became. Given long enough flipping a coin, it can't come up tails forever.
In the passing of less then 5 seconds, it all changed. Hope was shattered. My view on life was shattered. I was broken. Hearing those words out of our doctors mouth, that there was no hope of starting a family via "normal" methods, crushed me. Its like the rose color glasses were slapped with such force from my face that I didn't care to open my eyes. I didn't want to think about the future, as a future without hope, isn't much of a future. Its only looking back now, weeks behind me, that I can see the Power of Hope and the devastation that is caused when you lose it. As we went home, my hope gone, the darkness swept in like a thick fog. What if's begin flooding my head, and I was too weak to fight them off. What if we can't afford IVF? What if we can afford it, but then we can't afford actually having a child because of it? What if we spend thousands and it still doesn't work? What if adoption is our only option? What if we can't adopt? What if we adopted but our adopted children didn't love us? What if in those five seconds ... our entire future was transformed. The picture of my wife, with a child on her hip and they both cheered watching daddy play soccer or getting to snuggle on Saturday mornings before having mickey mouse pancakes was morphed into 1000 fears about what if's.
I couldn't keep up a strong front, and broke sobbing into my wifes arms. I can't remember the last time I cried, the last time that I have hurt. Not like cuts and bruises, but I mean a kind of pain when your soul is screaming in agony. I'm lucky ... because my wife was much stronger then me. She helped me to deal, and cope and move forward. Its not about knowing the plan right now, but instead, about taking each day one at a time. In those 5 seconds, I learned the power of hope, and the pain of losing it.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I've been robbed
I have been robbed of the joy of Christmas. I have always been a person who has been a christmas freak. I have been overly excited by the lights, the music, the movies, and the wonderment of the savior being born. But this christmas all i want is for the season to be over, i don't want to watch the movies and i don't care to go see the christmas lights and even the music, which i still listen to, isn't bringing the joy that i normally experience.
I wish I didn't have to go through the pain of the unknown, as it is right now John and I don't know what clinic we will go to, how much it will cost, how we will finance it, or even if it will work. I just wish we had a remote control like in the movie Click to go ahead and fast forward through the parts I don't want to deal with. I would fast forward through Christmas as we don't have the money for gifts, and this is another holiday when I am not pregnant. I would also fast forward through the decisions that have to be made and the actually emotional toll that this all will take on me. However then once I am able to conceive I would slow it all down to a crawl to enjoy the pregnancy and to enjoy and savor the moments with our new family.
Its sad to think about the future as I don't know when we will get to the happy times. I have been robbed of dreaming about the future as right now I just don't know what it holds.
To end on a happy note, John and I will be purchasing a new car as we have been on this mission for the last 6 months. We have found the car we want at a better price than we imagined and should be the proud owners in a week or so. At least there is one positive thing and we can close the chapter on hunting for a car.
I wish I didn't have to go through the pain of the unknown, as it is right now John and I don't know what clinic we will go to, how much it will cost, how we will finance it, or even if it will work. I just wish we had a remote control like in the movie Click to go ahead and fast forward through the parts I don't want to deal with. I would fast forward through Christmas as we don't have the money for gifts, and this is another holiday when I am not pregnant. I would also fast forward through the decisions that have to be made and the actually emotional toll that this all will take on me. However then once I am able to conceive I would slow it all down to a crawl to enjoy the pregnancy and to enjoy and savor the moments with our new family.
Its sad to think about the future as I don't know when we will get to the happy times. I have been robbed of dreaming about the future as right now I just don't know what it holds.
To end on a happy note, John and I will be purchasing a new car as we have been on this mission for the last 6 months. We have found the car we want at a better price than we imagined and should be the proud owners in a week or so. At least there is one positive thing and we can close the chapter on hunting for a car.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
This is my new normal
So this is my first blog and 2 days ago I found out some news that will change the way that I view my world.
I was told that after for trying for 15 months to start our little family that we would not be able to do it on our own. We will require doctors and medications and shots and more money than I care to recognize to create our family. I was told that we will require in vitro fertilization. I can't think of a less romantic way to create a family but if this is what it takes to recognize John and my dream than this is what we will do.
After we received the news I think I took it ok, the whole time we were testing and trying to figure out the problem in the back of my mind I just sort of knew that we would have major issues and it wouldn't come easy. I have always been somewhat of a pessimist so its not a surprise to me that I was thinking the worst (we wouldn't be able to have kids at all) so this really is a little better than I feared. John however it took it much harder. I don't think I will be ever able to see him hurt like that again, it was one of the worst moments of my life seeing him hurt and knowing that there wasn't anything I could do or say to make it better.
In Vitro seems scary and not something I really want to do, but I am positive that it works. I'm so positive because my sister was born with the help of in vitro and she turned out great(just don't tell her I said so it will only go to her head).
The next few months John and I will be trying to figure out where the money will be coming from, finding out if we want to stay at the current clinic or find a more specialized one and doing lots of research to prepare us for what will be coming. This blog will be about our journey and about my life.
This is my new normal ... one where the innocence of so many who believe that when you want a family you can have it is no longer there. My normal is dealing with this reality that its going to take time and work and lots of $$$.
I was told that after for trying for 15 months to start our little family that we would not be able to do it on our own. We will require doctors and medications and shots and more money than I care to recognize to create our family. I was told that we will require in vitro fertilization. I can't think of a less romantic way to create a family but if this is what it takes to recognize John and my dream than this is what we will do.
After we received the news I think I took it ok, the whole time we were testing and trying to figure out the problem in the back of my mind I just sort of knew that we would have major issues and it wouldn't come easy. I have always been somewhat of a pessimist so its not a surprise to me that I was thinking the worst (we wouldn't be able to have kids at all) so this really is a little better than I feared. John however it took it much harder. I don't think I will be ever able to see him hurt like that again, it was one of the worst moments of my life seeing him hurt and knowing that there wasn't anything I could do or say to make it better.
In Vitro seems scary and not something I really want to do, but I am positive that it works. I'm so positive because my sister was born with the help of in vitro and she turned out great(just don't tell her I said so it will only go to her head).
The next few months John and I will be trying to figure out where the money will be coming from, finding out if we want to stay at the current clinic or find a more specialized one and doing lots of research to prepare us for what will be coming. This blog will be about our journey and about my life.
This is my new normal ... one where the innocence of so many who believe that when you want a family you can have it is no longer there. My normal is dealing with this reality that its going to take time and work and lots of $$$.
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